Mindless Ramblings

Disclaimer: It’s 2 a.m. I’m not all "there", if you know what I mean.

If you don’t know what I mean, don’t judge me. It was fun talking to myself.

Productive: UGH! I can’t sleep.

Lazy: Maybe the computer will solve my problems. *Gets out of bed*

-Ten minutes later-

Productive: Nope.

Productive: *twiddle thumbs* Maybe if I go brush my teeth again I’ll be tired after…

Lazy: Nahhh.

Productive: Let’s see how we can make insomnia useful…hmmm… I can clean my room!

Lazy: Too late to turn on the lights, so… no.

Productive: I could clean the bathroom…

Lazy: Too noisy. Oooh! I could lay in bed thinking about Twilight!

Productive: No way, that won’t help.

Reality: Plus none of it is even real.

Happy Place: Yes it is real!

Reality: No it’s not, get a life.

Happy Place: :(

Productive: I could get a jump start in my college algebra class.

Lazy, Happy Place & Reality: Nope!

Lazy: Three against one. You lose.

Happy Place: *Thinking*: Twilight. Edward. Vampires. Edward. Bella. Edward. Breaking Dawn. Edward. Stephenie Meyer. Edward. Robert Pattinson. Edward. The Cullens. Edward.

Yep, in just a few short hours, this is what I’ll hear. =]

Our plane leaves at 7:05 AM, and it’s just about time to head for the airport. Everyone else is still sleeping, but I couldn’t sleep. I am so excited! I love traveling, especially to places I’ve never been before.

Airports just have this “air” of excitment, and I absolutely love it. I’m not really looking forward to wheeling my overstuffed suitase around, but someone had to overpack, and since nobody else was up for the challenge, it had to be me.

Well, I hear stirring in the bedrooms, so I think I will go do a loud wake up call. ;]

Since I’m bored all the time, I’ve been trying to find things that will keep me happy for at least, oh, 10 minutes. It’s actually hard! Sure, I can waste away a couple hours playing Sims or watching all the Harry Potter movies. Actually, Harry Potter takes more than 2 hours; each one is like 5 hours long…

Anyways, the things I love doing are all what I like to put in the "zoning out" category. Computer, TV, reading, sleeping… all things that take minimal activity. There’s not much I like to do that is energy required. I’ve heard adults with stories like "When I was younger, I didn’t get bored…" and "Back in the day, we didn’t have computers, we played outside." Things sure have changed. Some days I don’t even make it outside at all.

I’m going to try and be off the computer and TV more and actually DO things. (After I finish watching the Harry Potter movies, of course.)

I’m going to try to do things like go on walks, cook, write, and, well, I really have no idea what else. Some things that I love, or would like to do aren’t the easiest to get around to doing; piano (don’t have a teacher), traveling (I’m sick of Washington and surrounding states), driving (nowhere to go, no car, gas prices suck), singing (I’ll stick to singing in the shower) and spending money (need money).

I’ll keep reading too, even though it’s no way to live your life with your head stuck in a book… Other than that though, I hope I can find some things that I love to do that won’t put my brain to sleep.

One thing that has helped me today already, was waking up before the sun is in its decline. Seriously, this past week this is my first time waking up before 1 PM. I don’t mean to sleep in so late, but I’ve also been staying up until 2 or 3 AM. All I do all night is get on the computer, or be bored. I’m stuck in a vicious cycle of staying up late, sleeping all day, and not having energy to do anything worth doing.

AHHH!

I woke up at 7 AM this morning though, so hopefully tonight I’ll be tired enough to go to sleep at normal hours.

Well, that might not be the best thing, since I’m going to pick up my mom from the airport tonight at 11.

=] I’m so excited to see her. She’s been gone 3 weeks in Ethiopia.

Maybe she’ll save me from boredom. =]

I always get overwhelmed at the smallest signs of courtesy. When a random person holds a door open for me, I can’t help but smile in appreciation. I know it’s the tiniest things, but it just makes me feel good to know that people in the world still want to help each other. I especially like seeing this at school, so I know our future still might hold a little bit of chivalry.

On a completely different note, I feel like I overrate love. In my mind, its story book love all the way. I read too many romantic novels and watch too many helplessly romantic movies for love to be anything other than perfect. Now, I’m not saying the love is perfect, I’m saying it’s the essence of perfection. Of course I realize that everything has its problems, and ups and downs. But, I just don’t know anyone in my life that has this love, this absolutely magical, head-over-heels, perfection of love. I definitely know people who are in love, and show it maturely and sensibly, but where’s the romance? Where’s the swooning? Where’s the star-filled-eyes and endless separation? Maybe I’m reading too much, but I just think that movies and books embellish a little. It doesn’t seem like anyone will ever be able to match the fictional love of Tristan and Isolde or Bella and Edward. Hopefully I’m just too young to understand.

Things I Hate

1. Finishing an awesome book (like Twilight & Vampire Academy)

2. The smell of my hands after doing dishes, or touching anything in the sink (mostly sponges! BLAH!)

3. Forgetting to take a cup of half-full milk out of my room… and finding it two days later… and it won’t pour out of the cup… and you have to use a spoon to scoop it out

4. Breaking a nail when they are finally long!

5. Making cookies, going somewhere for a while, then coming home and all that’s left is crumbs

6. Planning to wear an outfit the next day and waking up and finding it dirty

7. Greasy hair

8. Good pens dying with no backup pen

9. Accidentally stumbling on information you’d pay to forget

10. Heavy backpacks full of books (my fault ;)

Things I Love

1. Being right in the middle of a good, long book.

2. Laying in the sun and falling asleep

3. Buying new clothes (the more- the better!)

4. Feeling a surge of self-confidance

5. Remembering words in Spanish or Italian

6. Teaching people something they don’t know (like magic tricks or card games)

7. Making a really good dinner (which I usually don’t feel like doing)

8. Escaping into a world of fiction when you’re bored/mad/sad/anything else

9. Getting home after school. Oh the possibilities of the day- though I know I’ll just do the same things I always do

10. Getting in the car after a Friday night at work

Nobody should have to be sad. It’s an awful feeling, for the victim, and everyone around them. I hate seeing sad, depressed faces and reading words twisted and disfigured with pain. When I see anguish or sorrow coming my way, I look the other way. I can’t stand too much sadness… I like to think it’s because I am such a kind-hearted person, but I think it’s more because I have a sheltered life, and I haven’t experienced much of what this world is going through. When headlines share the news of poverty and hunger I have no idea what that feels like. I know the feeling of not eating for maybe 12 hours, I remember the waves of pain my stomach feels, the clenches of your body telling you to get some food in there right away. When I feel “starving” I rummage through our pantry with complaints about nothing to eat. I pass by the 20-odd boxes of macaroni and cheese, I pass by the healthy sugar-free cereal, I pass by the mushy apples… heck, pass the perfectly fine apples. I don’t know what it is like to eat whatever I can possibly find, and then have to share the meager provisions with siblings, parents, and other starving, dying strangers. Someone like me wouldn’t last long in these stricken places. I don’t like to even think about it. But right now, its night somewhere, and millions of starving little babies, children, mothers, fathers and strangers are clutching their growling stomachs dreaming of macaroni and apples.

I can handle myself being sad. I am learning how to help myself, and I’m growing up… I just really can’t stand seeing my friends and family sad or helpless. I remember when I was little when Curtis or Mikayla would get sick I would stay by them, and try to lessen the pain as much as I could with big fluffy beds and cup after cup of Sprite. I hate thinking of my loved ones in pain that I can’t fix. I definitely consider myself a caretaker of a person, and not being able to help is just a feeling of such utter worthlessness.

This makes it really hard for me when I find a certain situation where I can help someone be happy, this person that should be happy, and I can’t help them because they need to learn to help themselves. It confuses me, it hurts me, and it helps me learn. I am always learning valuable life lessons from my friends; they teach me so much in every trouble and joy they find.

I just wish I could make it painless for everyone while they are learning and teaching these lessons of life.

I really feel like the last few weeks I have just been- I dunno, floating through my life. Nothing’s fun, nothing makes me happy. It’s been weeks of sadness, anger, annoyance, and just plain nothing. Sadly, I hear this is what being a teenager is all about. A week and one day ago, I broke up with Alex. That’s been part of the reason for my sulky attitude and mood. I miss him, and I feel bad… I’ve debated my decision a million times in my head and tried to convince myself I made the right decision. Plus, things with Barbara have been less than stable lately. She has new friends, new plans, she’s going out with Shawn again (which she didn’t even bother to tell me) and- she’s just different… I miss my friend that we’d have sleepovers every weekend, and stay up late talking about nothing. I feel like I am losing everyone close to me. Every time I see Jordyn I realize that she’s still just a kid, and I hope one of these days she’ll see it too, and just grow up. It can be so exhausting being with her. The thing about her though is she offers a good distraction from everything. Since we met 9 years ago, I’ve always gone to her in my not-so-great times and I’ve never had as much fun watching simple TV with anyone else. I don’t remember the last time I was truly happy. All I can say during this dark period- is thank God for books. I’ve lost myself in countless page-turning novels where I become convinced I’m saving the world, and everyone wants to be me. Twilight was life-changing though. I would trade my life to be in that book in less than an instant. Anyway, I just decided to vent a little, sort out what I was thinking, sorry if it was a little too personal for blogging… I just needed something to talk to… Hopefully I’ll find something that keeps me happy; truly, really happy. Not just tricked into being happy by a book, where as soon as it’s over you realize you didn’t just save the world and you certainly didn’t get the boy of your dreams. (At least it’s books though; there’s worse ways to find false happiness.)

I’m in Digital Design, with nothing else to do. I already finished my uptdated HTML file of our school website, so now I’m just waiting for everyone else finishes so our teacher can give us a new assignment. I love this class, it’s definitely something my future career will include.

So today I registrated for ELEVENTH grade!!! Gosh I think that’s so ridiculously insane. I don’t feel like I’m going into 11th grade. I think it will be a good year. I’ll be turning 17 in that school year! 16 already feels young to me. I hate that. I can’t believe how old I’m turning, then it gets here, and I don’t feel any older. Hehe.

I was really excited to sign up for some classes today- but then I got stuck with all the classes I have to get out of the way for college. In high school, you are required to take 3 years of math. Most students get up to Algebra 4. In middle school, I actually got up tp geometry. (Which is where most of my friends are now) Since I’m almost finished with Algebra 4 already, I have to take Math Analysis next year. Which is a college level math class. Ugh. =[ I’ll also be taking a Shakespeare class, where we “reading, analyzing, acting, and intensively writing about William Shakespeare’s work.” I’m excited for all of it besides the acting part… But I loved reading Romeo and Juliet last year, so I think I’ll have a good time in that class. U.S. History is required for next year- and I’m not looking forward to that… I’ll be in PE again too. And I absolutely hate PE.. I have to take Spanish again too. I took it in 9th grade, but for college you have to have two consecutive years… So I have to retake the first year, and take the second year when I’m a senior. I’m not dreading it too much.. it will probably be easier the second time. Lol. I would normally have to take Chemistry, but I decided to add at least one class that I would look forward to no matter what, so I’ll be taking Digital Design 3 and 4. I actually have my senior year pretty planned out now too. Creative Writing, Pyscholgy, Advanced Photography, Spanish 3/4, Chemistry, and Internet Publishing.

I can’t belive I have the rest of my schooling mapped out. It doesn’t seem anywhere near ending..

Big things happening.

Speaking of big things, I achieved a goal of mine last night. I created my own font. =] It took me about 3 hours to perfect it, but it was really cool to type my actual handwriting into Microsoft word.

Still 30 minutes left of class. How did I finish this project so early?? Or- why is everyone else so slow?? I actually finished this project yesterday with a lot of spare time.. not bragging or anything- it’s just my technologic blood ;]

I can’t wait until the final step of Master of Electronics. The “good electronic karma”. My dad can just walk into my room, and the remote stops being stubborn and finally allows me to switch channels without waving my arm all over to get the connection.

…Maybe he’s a robot. (Binary solo: 0000011 00000011 00000111 00000111)

If you haven’t watched any Flight of the Conchords, watch The Humans are Dead on Youtube. It’s my favorite =] … I would make a link to it, but I’m at school and all good websites (…youtube) are blocked, and I don’t really feel like finding a proxy to get through it. But- yes, I know how. ;]

 Well, this is kind of a long blog, so I think I’ll go help Scotty since he’s been bugging me to help him get his flash video onto his html page. (I sit in the middle of a bunch of helpless boys. Haha.)

I just finished a good book (Princess Mia). It kinda ended sadly though. Mia broke up with her boyfriend of two years. Stuff like that just makes me sad. It just made me wonder about soul mates. How could you ever possibly know if you are really wish the person you are “supposed” to spend the rest of your life with? So many people think that, then they go off to find the next one. It can just be a never-ending cycle.

Maybe there aren’t soul mates, just people you are compatible with, and make you happy… for a time anyway.

Questions that can’t ever be answered are scary. I vaguely wonder about the meaning of life.. vaguely, because I know I’ll never figure out the answer. Maybe there’s not really a meaning and it’s all just an experiment. I mean, the dinosaurs were pretty powerful, and they were wiped out pretty quick. What if humanity gets wiped out like the movies are predicting? I am Legend.. 28 Days Later… The race of humans are just exterminated with a man-made virus. Taking these movies literally is kind of paranoid, but it’s just another worry to add to the list.

Since I was little though, I think I have gotten way better at not getting scared at every little thing. I remember a certain night that my old babysitter; Janice was over, and my parents were running a little late on their way home. I was convinced that they had gotten in a car accident. Janice, of course, told me I was wrong and to quit calling my brother and sister a butthead. (She encouraged the use of the word “funnybunny” instead). Anyways, I have this tiny little bump right in the middle of my right arm. It’s just skin colored, not too noticeable, but I remember Janice told me that night that it came from worrying too much. It wasn’t even a questionable theory. It just immediately became my Worrywart, even though I am pretty sure that it is just a mole.

It’s multiplied now though, cuz I have actually three little bumps. Kinda like a tiny less appealing version of Orion’s Belt… my dad noticed it once, and told me I should get it checked out, which ironically would just give more power to my anxiety monster. Hehe. It’s not even that big. It is barrrrely noticeable. But it’s there, oh I will always know it’s there. Waiting for times when parents coming home late and the eerie experience of following a screaming ambulance half of the way home to prey on my fragile emotions.

On the other hand though, I like to think that just this little bump encourages me. As many of you know, I hate to be controlled, and don’t take well to rules. (I have my own set of solid boundaries though, I don’t want to imagine what I would be like without them.) So thinking that the only reasons for being scared and anxious (and all other sweatypalm-inspiring emotions) evolve from this physical error really ticked me off. So when I get in those nervous moods, I stay calm, and try not to assume the worst… just to contradict my worrywart. So, really I’m just contradicting myself from thinking my emotions come out of my arm.. but my worrywart really captivates my bizarre/superstitious side. Oh gosh, I’m just too weird to explain what goes on in my head.

I’ve always thought that I have a better relationship with myself than most people do. Haha. I just understand me better than anyone could even imagine too. I guess most people can say that about themselves though.

I will stop blabbing now, it’s not even that interesting to me anymore. Lol

One more thing, I love looking at photography on DPChallenge and looking at art on Deviant Art, so I thought I would post one of my favorite pictures everytime I write a blog.

So today, I will leave you with this:

I think I try too hard to finish things..

I mean, I’m reading a really good book, and all I can think about is getting to the end. Whenever I get to the good part in a book, I read nonstop until I finish it. I need to slow down, and actually pay attention to the words. I constantly notice myself skipping over words while I read, but I never have the patience to actually go back and read what I missed. I’m sure my English teacher wouldn’t approve this reading strategy for the WASL…

The book is really good though. It’s called Dreamland, and it’s about a teenage girl and her spiral downward. She started off as a healthy young girl, and now, just a few pages from the end (I made myself take a break so I could appreciate the ending) she is in a recovery center for drugs and physical abuse.

This girl started out so normal, she could have easily been someone that I could know in my ordinary life. It’s just kinda crazy that behind closed doors, some people really aren’t what they seem, and with no one to talk to, secrets and hurt build up and they are just dying inside.

I can’t imagine anything like this happening to my friends, or me. My friends know what to expect from me, and I know that the craziest they get is taking a sip of their parent’s champagne on New Years Eve….

Some people laugh, but that is probably one of the wildest things my friends do.

Most people have crazy stories from the high school years… stealing beers, late night parties, and waking up in unrecognizable rooms. No sensible party-goer would even consider hanging out with my group of friends on a Saturday night. But then again, what party-goer is actually sensible? ;]

I guess having that stereo-typical high school experience isn’t necessary, maybe not even healthy, but I just thought that by now I would have a little more crazy under my belt..

Well, I get my license in EIGHT days. I guess we’ll see where it goes from there.. hehe ;]

Dad, I still would like you to help me made a budget for monthly car payments! =]